There must be something written in the cosmos that says I must be forever tortured. Somewhere out there, there must be a rule saying that everything I love must be taken away from me slowly and painfully...either by my own doing or something else. And people wonder why I don't believe in God. If there is a God I stil don't regret not being a believer, because he's obviously an asshole and doesn't deserve my devotion.
My husband was in a car accident today, and our daughter was in the car with him. I know I complain about motherhood a lot, but that little girl is my life. Where she goes, there goes my nation...and if anything were ever to happen to her I'd drop dead immediately. I mean that. Today she was ok, just a few scratches. But like everything else in my life, I know this is just the beginning. My biggest fear is that little things like this will happen all through her life until one day...she'll be gone, and that will be the end of me. But for now, I'm so ridiculously happy she's ok.
She wasn't the only one in the car, and today has made me realize how much I truly love Kevin. I hate what he did to me, but I do love him. I've always had this feeling before something horrible has happened in my life...my heart races, my chest hurts, I'm nauseous, and I can't breathe...and I just know something bad is going to happen soon. I felt like that for hours before I got that phone call. I try not to care, but when I got that call...I realized just how much I do.
He put his life on the line for her without hesitation. He took his seatbelt off when he lost control of the car to try and get to her. I can't hate a person who would do that. He's pretty badly hurt, and that scares the fuck out of me. He better be ok, we've been through too much for him not to be...I need him to be ok. I'm willing to do something for him that I've never done for anyone who's hurt me as much as he did. I'm willing to forgive. Knowing that I could lose him hurts me more than anything he's done to me...and my heart can't take it.
For once I'm going to put it all on the line. I'm going to let it all go...the drama, the hate, everything. I'm letting it go, and I want my husband back. I'm still shaking, and if I don't laugh I'm going to break down and cry again. It's not that I can't live without him...I just don't want to.
10:15 p.m. - 2003-12-05
Recent entries:
Goodbye Diaryland. - 2005-03-24
Happy Birthday Asha! - 2005-03-21
Six Fucking Hours! - 2005-03-13
My Baby Shower: Chock Full O' Debauchery - 2005-03-06
Peanut Butter Saves Lives! - 2005-03-02
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