Kevin is back in the house. Partially because the thought of losing him scared the hell out of me...and partially because I don't want J to miss any time with him. He's in no condition to come to her, and there was no way in hell I was spending time at his mothers house. So having him stay here until he's fully recovered was the best solution.
No, this doesn't mean we are officially back together...we're still legally seperated. This doesn't mean we won't get divorced. It does mean I'm willing to try to work it out...nothing more, nothing less...just try. We discussed it before he came. There's a lot of shit to work out, and I laid down some ground rules. He has to change, he has to change a lot. Just because I'm willing to try doesn't mean my heart is any less broken...doesn't mean the pain of what he did is any less.
That's one of the many things we have to work on. He needs to really understand how much he hurt me. It needs to be a lot more than just acknowledging it...he needs to feel it, really feel it. He's not the only one who has to change...I have to change too. For us to work, I can't be the woman he married...that wasn't the real me. I can't be willing to sacrafice myself for him anymore, I have to make me happy...if he can't live with that we just won't work.
He's going to have to work for me, and he's going to have to work hard. I'm not handing him anything anymore...he's going to have to work for it all. He's starting for the bottom...and if he's not willing to claw his way through the dirt for me, we just don't need to be.
11:17 p.m. - 2003-12-19
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Happy Birthday Asha! - 2005-03-21
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