(Yeah, I'm finally updating this thing)
So I'm four months away from a divorce, and I'm more confused now that I was when this whole thing first started. He found a new job, got a new aparment, and a new car...just to show me that he's changed. We've reached a point now where we can be friends. Not really for us so much as for J.
He still has a key to my house, he hangs out with her over here sometimes. I look at them together and I see what an amazing father he's become in such a short time...and somewhere deep down I think maybe, just maybe I'm making the wrong decision here. I see the smile on her face when he's reading to her and I think I should be a part of that picture. But then I remember...his words echo in my head and all the pain comes flooding back and I know there is no other choice. I can't live my life always being afraid that he'll rip my heart out again...and all the apologies in the world can't change that feeling.
It's just hard. I look at my parents and I see what a great marriage is supposed to be...sometimes I wonder why I can't have that. I still love him. I can't deny that. We still have all the fire and ice of the day we met...and that's where the real confusion comes in. The second he touches me it sets my skin on fire and I just melt. I allow myself to act on it and then I feel like shit for doing it. How am I supposed to let him know I'm serious about this if I keep letting him bang me silly?
There can't be an us. For there to be an us...I can't be me, and I'm not happy when I'm not myself. I can't live like that anymore. Life is too short for me to change myself to suit someone else's needs. Not even J.
It's just too much right now. I have so much crap in my head I can't even breathe. My normal reaction is to bolt...but where the hell am I going to hide? Nowhere. I don't know. I just don't know.
9:59 p.m. - 2004-04-11
Recent entries:
Goodbye Diaryland. - 2005-03-24
Happy Birthday Asha! - 2005-03-21
Six Fucking Hours! - 2005-03-13
My Baby Shower: Chock Full O' Debauchery - 2005-03-06
Peanut Butter Saves Lives! - 2005-03-02
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