I don't know when I became life's bitch. I used to be in charge...I used to have control over my life, or so I thought. Either I lost it somewhere along the way, or I never really had it in the first place. Who knows?
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and I don't know where I am. Not in the literal sense, but I just feel like my body is somewhere my head didn't decide to go. Sometimes it feels like my life is not my own...like there was some cosmic mistake and I woke up in someone else's life.
The cacophony in my head is constant. Ever present noise making me feel like I'm trying to swim through molasses...getting nowhere fast. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in the syrupy sweetness of his love for me, and it's ok. Other times I'm drowning in the curdled mess of that love gone wrong, and it hurts in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm rarely happy...in fact, it wouldn't be a far stretch to say never. There are times when I'm up...so high that I can actually see cloud nine, but I'll never touch it. Whenever I go up one flight, I soon fall 30 stories down...cracking my skull against the bottom with a sickening thud. And it's always without warning.
It's funny how often people look at me and see perfection. They may not vocalize it, but I see it. Eyes tell it all. I'm far from it, but I guess wearing all your scars on the inside can fool some people.
There are clouds I'll never touch, years I'll never live, things I'll never do, children I'll never be able to give him unless it's with my last breath...and how could I not be angry about that? How could I not be angry that the other one couldn't understand? What the hell do I have to be happy about?
I can't stand the pang of the figurative knife in my heart. It's not really there, so it shouldn't really hurt. The thing is, most of the time I don't even know why I feel that way. Maybe because my heart knows I'll never live out the silken fantasies my head sometimes likes to spin just for fun.
I think I've read too many fairy tales. Real life must not have those happy endings...not mine anyway. In my life Prince Charming bends me over a dirty pool table and fucks me with a chainsaw as gently as a jackhammer.
One day my mental ramblings are going to swallow me whole...or the pain will get caught in my throat and I'll choke on it and die.
Gee Life, thanks for the bitchslap.
9:34 p.m. - 2004-08-07
Recent entries:
Goodbye Diaryland. - 2005-03-24
Happy Birthday Asha! - 2005-03-21
Six Fucking Hours! - 2005-03-13
My Baby Shower: Chock Full O' Debauchery - 2005-03-06
Peanut Butter Saves Lives! - 2005-03-02
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
sadlymstaken
lunjonez
Vizionz
interview
blkpornstar